nightmare vs. nightmare

I am in a funk.

I woke up this way.

I had this awful nightmare that I residency matched out of state except for my intern year. All of a sudden here it is, 6 weeks until the end of my internship, and I had not started looking for a place to live and I had no money saved up for the move. Even worse, I was having to move to a place where I knew no one. It felt so lonely. I woke up in the middle of the night and stared at the ceiling for the longest time, convincing myself that it was all a dream and that I'm not moving to Kansas City next month. I've been thinking about this dream all day, it bothered me THAT much. It's not that Kansas City is a bad place. It's not. It's how alone I felt.

Eureka, I think I understand it all. I hate my life right now. I'm lonely, I may as well move to Kansas City. I was thinking about the new med school grads and how great they are feeling about now. Last year was so different for me. I was so happy to be graduating and excited about residency and even more excited that I had matched at home where my boyfriend is. Then, a few months ago, everything changed. The boyfriend announced suddenly one night at dinner that he's unhappy and is moving out of state. In the span of 10 minutes, my dreams of spending the rest of my life with him were over. It's not fair, really...he's the one moving but I'm the one feeling lonely. I've reached this uncomfortable fork in the road. Do I live in the past, or do I look toward the future? The Past is so comfortable. I know The Past. The Past was my best friend. The Past knows me and all my quirks. But The Past is moving away. Leaving. The answer doesn't get more clearer than that. I can hear the phrase now.."if he's moving away, then he's just not that into you". If only I could wake up from THIS nightmare!