Vigilance

I'm so disappointed. I heard today one of my favorite upper level residents got caught under the influence of drugs by one of the attendings at work. He is off to physician's rehab and whether or not he comes back is uncertain. Unfortunately, this is pretty common in anesthesia. I'm so tired of hearing how our speciality has the highest drug abuse rate of all specialties. As much as I'm tired of it though, I can't get complacent. It can happen to any of us. All I can say is, I hope it doesn't happen to me. A friend of mine today told me 1 in 8 residents. That seems high. That means somebody in my residency class will have a problem. I can already wager who that will be. "Vigilance" is supposed to be the motto of anesthesia when it comes to patients. I guess that also should be applied to how we conduct ourselves, as well. Never let your guard down.

Just the same, I'm sad he probably isn't coming back. He was really nice.

I'm on call tomorrow. It's my next-to-the-last weekend call of my intern year (Yay!!!). I hope tomorrow gives me some peace. Monday Night was crazy. I had 5 code blues, which is a record for me. It was absolute insanity from about 8pm until 5am. You just never can tell what's going to happen on call. None of the patients died that night, but two of them did the next day. It amazes me how sick people can be yet they continue to hang on. Sometimes modern medicine is not a good thing. A year ago I took an oath to do no harm, yet I'm not allowed to let a terminally ill person (in lots of pain) die unless they or the family have signed a DNR. To me, that is doing harm.

There's a nurse practitioner that works in the NICU where I am this month. She makes it pretty clear to all the residents that she doesn't like us and that she is "the captain of the ship" (even though she's not, the NICU DOCTORS are). Anyway, I've spent the month avoiding her because I find her super annoying. Every Wednesday the NICU staff meets and discusses issues with the babies. She manages to monopolize the topic every week by talking about...what else? Herself!

Today was no different. For one thing, let me point out that she dresses completely inappropriate for an ICU setting. She wears heels everyday with short suits (that her girls practically pop out of). Today she was laughing and talking about all the times she's almost fallen and dropped babies because her heels got caught on something. I just sat there, completely appalled that she thought that was funny. I wanted to blurt out, "maybe this wouldn't happen if you were wearing appropriate shoes for the ICU". I kept quiet. No one else seemed to think any of this was alarming. I bet OSHA would. In fact, I bet OSHA would find my story quite interesting.

I do know this: If I was the mother of a sick newborn in the NICU, I would be absolutely pissed if she almost dropped my baby because of a stupid clothing malfunction. I would make it clear she is not to touch my kid ever again.

Yikes, suddenly I've turned into a lioness protecting her cub.

OK I know I was Debbie Downer in my last blog. It happens. I'm just a bit annoyed by my life. I worked hard to get where I am, and I'm having a lot of doubts and no reward. The next 6 months will make a big impact on my attitude. Another thing is some of the other residents are just outright being stupid and lazy...ie..refusing to see patients in the ER when our attending doc asks them to see them. When our program director finds out, there's going to be Hell to pay, and we're ALL going to pay for it. I'm not looking forward to that, especially since I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. I work with a bunch of spoiled children. I can't wait to see how they'll respond to having to do REAL work come July 1 when the anesthesia part of our training begins.

This morning at church we talked about how God has a plan for everone and you can't rush it. I need to keep that in mind. Just please somebody tell me that I'm not going to end up husbandless and childless.

I cooked 2 big dishes this weekend that I saw on Food Network. Paula Dean's slow cooker macaroni and cheese...(the ultimate comfort food), and The Barefoot Contessa's spaghetti and meatballs. Quite tasty. Her meatballs required veal, which I don't eat, but I managed to replace it with a tasty substitution. Yum. That and 2 glasses of wine and I'm feelin pretty good about now.

Started a new book loaned to me back in February "Everyone Worth Knowing" by the same author who wrote "The Devil Loves Prada". So far, I like it. It's trendy.

I also watched 2 movies this weekend, both featuring one of my favorite actresses, Reese Witherspoon. Sweet Home Alabama and the one where she goes to law school. Did anyone know her dad is a doctor in Tennessee? I did.

nightmare vs. nightmare

I am in a funk.

I woke up this way.

I had this awful nightmare that I residency matched out of state except for my intern year. All of a sudden here it is, 6 weeks until the end of my internship, and I had not started looking for a place to live and I had no money saved up for the move. Even worse, I was having to move to a place where I knew no one. It felt so lonely. I woke up in the middle of the night and stared at the ceiling for the longest time, convincing myself that it was all a dream and that I'm not moving to Kansas City next month. I've been thinking about this dream all day, it bothered me THAT much. It's not that Kansas City is a bad place. It's not. It's how alone I felt.

Eureka, I think I understand it all. I hate my life right now. I'm lonely, I may as well move to Kansas City. I was thinking about the new med school grads and how great they are feeling about now. Last year was so different for me. I was so happy to be graduating and excited about residency and even more excited that I had matched at home where my boyfriend is. Then, a few months ago, everything changed. The boyfriend announced suddenly one night at dinner that he's unhappy and is moving out of state. In the span of 10 minutes, my dreams of spending the rest of my life with him were over. It's not fair, really...he's the one moving but I'm the one feeling lonely. I've reached this uncomfortable fork in the road. Do I live in the past, or do I look toward the future? The Past is so comfortable. I know The Past. The Past was my best friend. The Past knows me and all my quirks. But The Past is moving away. Leaving. The answer doesn't get more clearer than that. I can hear the phrase now.."if he's moving away, then he's just not that into you". If only I could wake up from THIS nightmare!

So today, I stopped at the gas station to get a supply of diet coke for tonight since I'm too lazy to actually go to a grocery store. I was annoyed because the sales lady at Ann Taylor would not grant me the sale price on some clothes I bought Saturday, that naturally, went on sale 2 days later. Actually, they do grant you the "sale" price if something goes on sale within 2 week of it being bought, but the clothes I bought were not actually on sale. The sales lady was more than happy to explain that the 25% off on things in the store was a "promotional rate", not a sale. I got pissed and told her it was the same thing. She again explained to me the difference between a promotion and a sale. I looked at her and said, "it's a sale!" and walked off. You know, when you put down $350 at a store only for the things to be 25% off 2 days later, I think I have a right to be angry. Calling it a promotion is just shady. I'm seriously thinking of calling their corporate office.

OK back to the gas station. I walk in and there's this creepy looking man in line just staring me down. I thought I had a booger on my face or something. I actually checked my blouse too make sure it was still buttoned, 'cause he sure was looking at me weird. So I get in line with my cokes and he comes back to the line to get change for the arcade game (why is a grown man playing a game at a gas station??). Oh no. He starts to talk to me. He then says, "you must be buying those cokes for your daughter or husband". Without even blinking, I replied, "yeeeep!"...grabbed my sodas, and walked out the door. I can only imagine the turn that conversation would have made if I stupidly said, "no, I'm not married, they're just for me."

So let's talk about work for a minute. There are 6 male residents, me, and another female. The other female is doing a month long rotation at another hospital, so I'm stuck babysitting. I call it babysitting because that's what it feels like. When these guys all get together during down time (recess), I try to get away. They exhaust me. I feel like I've been working all day at a daycare when I'm around all of them. I grew up with brothers. It was nothing like this. I really hate it. I'm tired of their disgusting conversations about porn, if they prefer women to wax, shave, or do nothing to their genitals, etc. It's like they don't even know I'm sitting right there....or they don't care. I'm tired of their dumb junior high jokes of smearing a chocolate bar on the toilet so I'll walk in and think it's poo. Every day I put up with this shit. I'm sick of it. My ex boyfriend says they do this because it's their immature way of flirting because they like me and see me as "one of the guys". I really do not think they like me. I don't want to be one of "the guys". I'm not one of "the guys". I'm a lady....in what apparently is still ( I hate saying this) very much a man's world. Last time I checked it was 2007. I have this new respect for older female doctors. I cannot imagine how awful they must have had it.

My favorite beauty stuff

feel free to add to this list!

1. PurMinerals 4 in 1 pressed mineral makeup
2. and their bronzer
2. Dove cream oil body wash
3. Jergen's natural glow daily moisturizer (thanks, Robyn! Now I have a tan!)
4. Opalescence 35% tooth whitening gel
5. Tigi Factor S smoothing lusterizer (for hair)
6. Maybelline Lash Discovery mascara
7. my Braun/Oral B rechargeable toothbrush
8. BreathRx mouthwash
9. Clinique buttershine lipstick in apple brandy
10. Clinique 7 day face scrub
11. Biore pore strips
12. Eucerin extra protective facial moisture lotion
13. Aveeno positively radiant daily facial moisturizer
14. Fresh everytime 5 day antiperspirant (great for us girls who truly sweat. Thanks, Pink!)
15. Aveeno ultra calming foaming facial cleanser
16. Coco Chanel eau de parfum
17 Chi straightening iron

Did you know?

3tablespoons of canned bee maggots has 65 calories?
2 ounces of canned catepillars has 60 calories?
and that 1 ounce of raw silkworms contain a mere 60 calories?

It's all in this new calorie counting book I bought yesterday. I've been reading it all morning along with watching Sunday morning's lineup of infomercials (by the way, I NEED a cordless magic bullet). Yes, I'm bored. I'm at the hospital and on call until 8am tomorrow. It ain't so bad anymore. Due to a very lucky turn of events last week, the residents aren't called by the ER anymore to admit patients. That means all I do is take floor calls and run codes. There are never many floor calls (especially since I don't have to write admission orders anymore) and there will probably only be 2 codes today (based on previous experience). Not sure how long this luck will last, but I am enjoying it. I'm quite sure as soon as our boss finds out we haven't been doing admissions on call, she will find some way to ruin it. But for today, all is well with the world.