>: (

Today I got a glimpse of what my life is going to be like for awhile....and I hated it. I really don't know what to do. I can't quit because I'm in too much debt, but I really really REALLY do not want to start my residency. I don't know what is wrong with me. Today at orientation it was nothing but 8 continuous hours of "do this, do that", none of which I know how to do. It was so overwhelming that I just wanted to leave screaming. The only good thing that came out of today (and I use the term "good" loosely) is that I got assigned to the internal medicine team for my first month, which means I am responsible for running codes every other day. Why am I glad about that? Insanity, maybe? No, actually, it will get me comfortable with running codes much faster. I'll also get better at writing up admit orders, history and physicals, and discharge orders. I also found out I get every weekend this month off, unless I'm on call. The part that really made me mad though is that I'm on 24 hour call on July 4th. I love July 4th. This year I'm going to hate it. At least now I can say that I've worked an official holiday and that is it for me for the year (there are 6 holidays and 8 residents). I think that's only fair.

But in all, today really sucked. I don't want to be a doctor anymore. When we were finally freed today from orientation, the first thing I did when I got in my car was start crying. It's been off and on ever since. I picked up my diploma today from the framing store and I wanted nothing more than to fling it across the room and let it shatter into pieces. I don't think the other interns feel like this. They all seemed hideously perky and chipper today.

And I get to go back for more tomorrow.....