>: (

Today I got a glimpse of what my life is going to be like for awhile....and I hated it. I really don't know what to do. I can't quit because I'm in too much debt, but I really really REALLY do not want to start my residency. I don't know what is wrong with me. Today at orientation it was nothing but 8 continuous hours of "do this, do that", none of which I know how to do. It was so overwhelming that I just wanted to leave screaming. The only good thing that came out of today (and I use the term "good" loosely) is that I got assigned to the internal medicine team for my first month, which means I am responsible for running codes every other day. Why am I glad about that? Insanity, maybe? No, actually, it will get me comfortable with running codes much faster. I'll also get better at writing up admit orders, history and physicals, and discharge orders. I also found out I get every weekend this month off, unless I'm on call. The part that really made me mad though is that I'm on 24 hour call on July 4th. I love July 4th. This year I'm going to hate it. At least now I can say that I've worked an official holiday and that is it for me for the year (there are 6 holidays and 8 residents). I think that's only fair.

But in all, today really sucked. I don't want to be a doctor anymore. When we were finally freed today from orientation, the first thing I did when I got in my car was start crying. It's been off and on ever since. I picked up my diploma today from the framing store and I wanted nothing more than to fling it across the room and let it shatter into pieces. I don't think the other interns feel like this. They all seemed hideously perky and chipper today.

And I get to go back for more tomorrow.....

My last day of vacation : (

Today was my last day of freedom for a really long time. I've had 12 weeks off and have developed some pretty lazy habits. Staying up late watching The Tonight Show, Seinfeld, and Craig Ferguson, sleeping until 11am, gradually starting my day, eating breakfast at noon at Mimi's Restaurant with my boyfriend, playing online...you get the idea. Well that all ends tomorrow. I have 3 days of orientation then BAM!, my first call night I will be guaranteed to be running at least 1 or 2 codes. What have I gotten myself into?? I really hope I don't seriously hurt somebody.

One of my buddies asked me today what kind of shoes I wear to the hospital. The black ones are Clarks and the khaki ones are Merrells. I like both of them. The Clarks squeak when I walk but the Merrells are a little too tight with my Thorlo running socks. Pick your poison. Squeaky or tight. The main thought is that they both slip on and require no shoelaces.

Well I think I'll go sit on my porch and lament the end of my freedom some more.

The nightmare is already beginning.

Today I had to go up to the hospital for ACLS recertification. What's that? It's the standardized protocol of algorithms that the American Heart Association uses to treat patients in some sort of life threatening cardiac distress. I've already done it once, but it's easy to forget when you've never had to respond to (or run) a code. So today I'm there with all my new residency buddies.There are 13 of us vrs. the normal 100+ because our intern year happens to be at a private hospital (there are 8 anesthesia residents and 5 family practice interns). There were about 80 nurses at the training. The first thing the instructor tells us is that the nurses get to "tag team" for the practical exam tomorrow, but the anesthesia residents have to to it alone because we will be the ones running the codes at night for the entire hospital (except the emergency department). I'm not so much worried about the exam as I am at the thought of being the only doctor at 3am when something goes wrong (and hoping I'm not the cause of it!). Hearing that was enough to make me wish I'd never gone to medical school. Guess I better go start reviewing the algorithms..

One weird thing. I paid for my lunch in the cafeteria today. All my new colleagues went to the doctor's cafeteria and got free food. "We get free food?" I asked. "well yes, I mean, we're doctors now, right" Adam said. "I thought that wasn't until next week", I replied.