Payday!

Don't you just love payday? I went with Robyn to get a much needed mani-pedi. It would have been perfect if I didn't have such a migraine which lasted ALL DAY until about an hour ago. I even had to break out the leftover pain meds from when I had surgery last year. Now that's a headache!

Tonight I stimulated my dopamine receptors by going to Ulta and buying some new makeup. That store is absolutely dangerous. I've never browsed in there before...until tonight. After I left, I realized they didn't charge me for a make-up bag I bought. I debated going back but I had just been to the grocery store and didn't want my frozen food to thaw. I feel bad. It was only $15, but still, I feel dishonest now. Argh!

Now if anyone is wondering, dopamine is your brain's reward center. I was told by a friend that it has been proven that women get high from shopping, thanks to our dopamine receptors being stimulated.

Mini Lion Hell Cat

BEFORE



AFTER


Today Sarah went to the groomer for the first time ever. I've never had a cat's hair cut short before, but my vet recommended it because Sarah is old, has really long hair, doesn't groom herself as well as she used to, and as a result, gets a lot of mats in her hair that are hard to cut out. I really thought she would be mad about the events that transpired today, but much to my surprise, she seems quite happy with her new look. She's been prancing around the house ever since she got home..and purring like crazy!

Eat Crow

I found out today that Sheryl Crow wants us all to use one square of toilet paper to wipe with. Uh...right. Remind me that if I ever meet her, I should never shake her hand.

What is it with Hollywood? Why can't they just stick to what they know?

Leave me and my gun alone, don't tell me to conserve energy while you fly around in your private jet (ahem, John Travolta, Al Gore to name a few), and please, don't dictate to me how much toilet paper to use!

Sad times

My beloved Merrell's got puked on last night by a patient.

Those darn boys!

Last night I was admitting a horribly sick lady who needed an arterial line. I spent at least 30 minutes poking her poor wrist trying to get arterial access. She had virually no pulse which made my job just about impossible. I finally gave up. By noon today, she REALLY need the line put it, so 2 of the other residents went up and did it. They came back down over an hour later and told me that they got it right in on the first try. I believed them. I spent the afternoon feeling bad about my procedure skills and that I let the boys show me up. I found out tonight that wasn't the case at all. Adam couldn't get the line in, and it took Jay (a former phlebotomist) 20 minutes! Those boys! I'm starting to realize I'm not any less competent than they are-they just don't talk about their failures.

Darn you, Clinton!

Last night I was watching a behind the scenes show about Stacy and Clinton's "What Not To Wear". I couldn't believe it when Clinton pulled off a pair of Merrell's EXACTLY like the ones I wear to the hospital everyday and said, "please don't tell anyone you saw me wearing these!".

I love my Merrell's and Clinton dogged them!

A conversation with my friend Robyn yesterday:
Robyn: Hey, what have you been up to?
Me: Just got off work from a 30 hour shift.
Robyn: Oh, is that all?

Hee hee. I thought that was funny.

I had a really busy night. The biggest event was getting called at midnight to see an 82 year old lady the nurse couldn't wake up. I thought she'd been given too much pain medicine, so we tried to give her some meds to reverse the pain meds. That didn't work. I'd been told she threw up several times before I got to her room. While I was in the room, she started having really loud stridor, which had me worried she aspirated vomit since she was unconscious. I went ahead and transferred her to the ICU and then intubated her. I really thought she would be okay once all the meds wore off. I ordered a CT scan of her head, just as a precaution to make sure she didn't have a stroke. The next morning, before the results came back, I went to go see her and look at her chart to see what her doctor had written, since I knew by then he would be there. Her whole family was in there and I saw her husband sitting in a chair next to her, sobbing uncontrollably. I was so touched I was drawn to tears. I didn't realize this at the time, but they must have just been told of her CT results. Unfortunately, she had a severe bleed in her head that caused her brain to herniate badly. That explains why she was unresponsive. The family decided to remove life support, and she died later that day.

I just can't get the image out of my head of her elderly husband crying at her bedside. This sounds horrible, but it made me never want to get married and experience what he is going through. Sooner or later, everything ends. I am in control of nothing.

Fake Bake

Always dreaming to be a sun goddess, I sprayed on some fake tan tonight. If it's how I remember Coppertone's QuickTan worked in the mid 80's, I'm expecting to wake up tomorrow with brown splotches all over me...but hey! It's worth a try! Trying something once every 20 years doesn't hurt. Can I be a sun goddess? Please? I don't even have to be dark brown, just something darker than blinding pale would be just fine.

I was supposed to study tonight, but instead, I smoked cigarettes out on my porch and dreamt of a bigger house filled with Pottery Barn furniture.

I would like to start running again tomorrow. I come up with all kinds of excuses not to. The first week is always the hardest, and I always manage just fine. My latest excuse to not run is that I started some new BCP's last week. Strangely, they have noticeably increased the size of my girls and now they are sore. I don't want to upset them by running.

Good Friday

Today is April 6th. APRIL 6th! And today it snowed. I had to bring in all my potted plants as it's going to get into the 20's at night. I just can't believe it. I'm so glad I didn't go buy a bunch of annuals last weekend like I was planning on doing.


Today I bought a new journal. It's the nicest (and most expensive) one I've ever had. It's #29. I've kept one since I was 10. Whenever I start a new one, I always wonder what the pages are going to say when it is finished. #28 is only a few hundred pages long, yet it took me 7 years to write. My life now, is vastly different from how it was in 2000 when I started it. I've always liked keeping a journal. It's fun to go back and read stuff. I sometimes wonder what the point is though. When I'm dead, my family is going to have a box of homemade books that will just collect dust. They are worth nothing to anybody, except to me. Actually, I'm not sure I want anyone reading my journals. If my parents ever read them, they would be shocked. In junior high and high school, I was profoundly depressed and for awhile, I self medicated with alcohol that I stole from my dad's liquor stash. I would be so embarrassed if they knew what was really going on with me. Looking back though, how could they not have noticed something was wrong? They should have known. Any parent who pays just a little attention to their child would have noticed and intervened. Well, at least I had enough gumption to intervene on myself.


I'm on call tomorrow. Blah! I absolutely hate weekend call. It's the most boring, tense, 24 hours ever. I will spend Sunday attempting to attend church (if I'm not just dead tired) and then going home and going to bed. What a FUN weekend I am in for. At least the weather is going to be crappy, but I will unfortunately miss my neice's 8th birthday. Blah!

Amazing

I just read on CNN that Keith Richards admits to snorting his father's ashes mixed with cocaine. You just can't make that stuff up, folks! I dont even like it when I get water up my nose while swimming, I wonder what it would feel like if a loved one were up there?

Prosopagnosia

Ok so I have this embarrassing problem that I can't seem to fix. I have a really hard time recognizing faces. I've always been this way and as I get older and meet more and more people, the problem is only getting worse. Today I was at Barnes and Noble studying, and the chief resident of our program for next year came over and said hi to me. I had no idea who he was. He didn't even look familiar! He had to tell me who he was, which I think embarrassed him. I tried to make light of it and told him that if he'd been wearing scrubs and a mask, I would have recognized him. God, I'm such a doof...

I really hate this. I don't know if something is not wired right in my brain, or if it's just that I don't really pay attention, but it really bugs me. My ex always thought it was kind of cute and endearing...we'd watch TV and I would get all confused about the plot because I couldn't remember who people were.

Now people I have everyday contact with, I remember just fine, but if I see you somewhere out of character, I'll have no clue who you are. I know this is probably normal for some people, but this goes way beyond normal. I'm to the point where I don't approach someone to say hi because I'm afraid I'll have the wrong person (it happens a lot)! I hide it by being friendly to everyone, just in case I already know them. Time magazine published an article last summer about this and it was like I was reading about myself. I think my case is mild, but some people can't even recognize their own face in a mirror!

One of the other interns, Adam, came up and said hi to me in the doctor's lounge one day. I'd never seen him without his glasses and I had no idea who he was. He looked at me like I'd lost my mind.

In a field where networking is so important, I see all this as a hindrance.

After the storm

We had a huge storm late this afternoon that lasted several hours. I stepped outside and this was waiting for me!!


I Was on call last night. Had one of the best nights yet. Only one admission at 5pm. Slept from 8:30-10pm, then responded to a cardiac arrest which kept me busy (and sweaty) for well over an hour. My pager didn't go off (except for one of my friends paging me at 3am) again until 7am! I got to sleep all night, or at least lay in bed wondering when my pager would go off. It's never really good sleep on call. Plus, the bed is uncomfortable, the blankets are thin and impersonal, and the room is always too hot or too cold.

At 7am I went to go verify a patient death and I saw one of the nursing supervisors. She asked if I was on call tonight. I told her I wasn't. She told me she wishes I was on call every night. I laughed and took that as a compliment. She then told me that everyone in the hospital really likes me and wishes I was on call more. Wow. Now I really took that as a compliment! I wish that would get back to my boss!

Since I got some sleep on call, I actually got to enjoy my day. I came home and walked 3 miles, then I met pastor's bride at the mall for pedicures and lunch. Pretty toes and yummy food, what more could a girl ask for?

Annoyed at Mom part 2

I love my mom. She drives me crazy. I love my mom. I wish she would leave me alone. I love my mom. I can't stand being alone with her. I love my mom.

My mom is a challenge. I know I am a disappointent to her. She can be so mean, and the thing about it is, she doesn't see anything wrong with it. She's critical of everything I do and if I call her on it, she pulls the "poor me" thing and tries to make me feel guilty. A few months ago she told me she wishes my personality were more like hers. Ouch. I'm glad I'm not loud and histrionic. My friends are too ( I think).

I've been avoiding her like the plague lately. I haven't been all that happy and I know talking to her will make me feel worse. Case in point, a few days after my boyfriend and I broke up, she called me and left me a lengthy message on my voice mail stating that I should try and reconcile with him because "he has a lot to offer me". Wow. That really hurt my feelings. A few days later when I tried to talk to her about it, she flew off the handle saying she just can't say anything right to me anymore. Well, I guess not if she's going to go telling her broken hearted daughter to risk rejection and go grovel, as if the break up was my fault. I then get sadly told, "well, I was just hoping you would one day marry", as if I am a spinster beyond my years. Personally, I thought I had a lot to offer him as well, but did she say that? No.

We didn't talk for a week and then she acted like nothing was wrong. Because to her, nothing ever is wrong. She's perfect and we are all her ungrateful children.

Right now we have this annoying little feud over the cause of bladder infections. She doesn't believe me when I say they are from bacterial contamination of the urethra, usually fecal contamination. Tonight she called me and tried to pull an "I told you so" about it. She had visited her urologist and told him her theory of why she keeps getting the infections. It's because she works all day at a computer and she doesn't go to the bathroom enough. He agreed with her, and she couldn't wait to tell me. So I said, well that's true, but bacteria doesn't just spontaneously develop in the bladder without a source. It still comes from the urethra but if you don't urinate enough, it ascends into the bladder and multiplies, making it easier to develop an infection. She STILL didn't believe me, so I asked her why she even asks my advice if she's not going to believe me? We got into an arguement about it and she told me she was never going to bring up the subject with me again. Oh damn, that breaks my heart! This must be my karma. My last 2 boyfriends are doctors and they used to get annoyed when I would argue medical stuff with them. I totally get it now. I don't mind people asking me medical questions, but if you're going to argue with the answer, then don't ask!

Here's the deal. All this stuff seems like no big deal, but I'm already at my 99% patience level with her, so all it takes is a little nudge from her to piss me off. She even laughed one time and told me she likes to say irritating things to me because it's funny to her to get a rise out of me. Is that not the bitchiest thing? I told her that she may think it's funny, but that's the reason why I don't like to spend time with her.

I'm sorry I'm so cranky lately. I'll try to do better.

Deep thoughts....by Me!

So this last 6 weeks have been tough. Really tough. The 3 people I know who actually read this already know each day has been a challenge.... I had this moment of truth tonight: I got through the last 6 weeks without him and it didn't destroy me! All through my 20's I struggled with an eating disorder. Remission...relapse...remission...relapse. My senior year in college I was dangerously thin. Everyone knew I had a problem...except me. I spent so much money on counseling trying to figure out why I am like this. I was SO afraid of what this break up would do to me after going 5 years without a slip-up. Have I lost some weight? Sure, but not in an unhealthy way. I did something different this time: I made sure I ate something everyday, even if I didn't want to.

Break ups have always brought out the worst in me. I learned why in counseling, but before that I always did some very foolish things that just made it worse. Not this time. I vowed to handle things nicely. And why not? I spent 1 1/2 years building a solid friendship with him before we dated for 3 1/2 years. It was a wonderful 5 years. Am I hurt? Yes. Angry? Yes....but it certainly doesn't justify bad mouthing someone you care about all in the name of wounded pride. The only thing I wish I could take back was an angry e-mail about him that I sent in a moment of weakness to a mutual "friend" of ours. She had emailed me telling me she heard the news and was really sorry and would call me soon. I wrote her back telling her vaguely what happened and inserted my own commentary here and there. I never heard from her again. I thought she was my friend and I was looking for sympathy. Now I'm worried she's gossiping to people what little deatil I told her. Funny how I work 60 hours a week but she is the one too busy to check on me. Anyway, I made things as right as I could by telling my ex about it over our "closure over coffee" talk a few weeks ago. He wasn't happy, but I would rather he hear what I said from me. The old me would have bad mouthed him to anyone who would listen, in hopes it would get back to him and hurt him as much as he hurt me. Did he cheat on me? No. Was he a lying drunk? No. Was he physically/emotionally abusive? No. So what gives me the right to say mean things?

Then tonight it hit me. I really like who I have become. I don't need to say unkind words I don't really mean. In fact, not a night goes by (even when I'm on call) that I don't say a prayer for him and hope that he is okay. However things turn out in the end, I know I will be okay. I have a great career ahead of me, I have great friends, neices who think I'm way cool, and maybe, just maybe, if I'm lucky I'll meet a wonderful man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

The Evils of Trans Fats

My New Year's resolution this year was to cut out all trans fats. ALL. If it has trans fats, I don't eat it. The former Mr. Big has been telling me for a long time how evil they are, and I know they are...but I didn't truly commit to giving them up for good until this year. That means no crackers, fried donuts, all sorts of things you'd never think of. Today I got to realize the fruits of my sacrifice. I got my fasting cholesterol check back today and I couldn't believe it. My total cholesterol was down over 50 points to a level well within normal range. Even better, my LDL (bad cholesterol) level was also down over 50 points, which is now normal too! I compared them from my labs taken just a year ago and the only difference I can think of is those naughty trans fats, because I didn't take any drugs. Give them up now! It really works!

The only thing that wasn't so great is that I found out I have iron deficiency anemia. I don't know what else to do about that. I take supplements. It's not like I can just quit being female, nor do I want to! Being a girl is fun.

In other news, I now have not one, but two kitties that are officially diagnosed with renal failure. I wasn't surprised. They are 14 years old which is ancient. The attitude I'm taking is they have had a great life. If all the other things out there don't kill a kitty (cars, accidental poisoning, fights) it will eventually die from renal failure. I've never had a cat live this long, so this whole renal failure thing is new to me. They eat special food now and it appears to be helping. They don't act any different, it's like nothing is even wrong.

Work is the same. I'm the resident on call during the day for the hospital this month and it has been quite a challenge. There's a crisis nearly everyday that I have to deal with in a moment's notice. Most of the time, they involve acute respiratory distress and require immediate intubation. I always come out of those situations shaking and really sweaty, relieved no one died. It happened today right after lunch with a lady who I think had a pulmonary embolus. She was just about to crump.

I knew this year would be challenging but when I think about the responsibility we are given as interns, it scares me. I've learned how to handle so many life threatening situations, but I have no idea how to do easy things, like splint a fracture or sew a wound....not that an anesthesiologist would ever do those things but it would be fun to know!

True Confessions

Today I was informally voted "least likely to cheat on a boyfriend/spouse" by the other residents. True, am I a St Bernard..loyal, always. This afternoon I cheated on someone. My hairdresser. I went to a new lady. I woke up Monday Morning and realized I have a terrible affliction called "Mom Hair". Julie, one of the other residents, realized the severity of the situation and quickly made an appointment for me to see her lady today. The first thing I noticed when I went to Julie's place was the average age of the clientelle. Very trendy which made me feel intimidated. I'm not cool. I don't even pretend to be cool. The average age of the salon I go to is probably 50. I liked this place though and the lady who cut my hair, as radical as she looked, did a great job and was really nice. I'm always wary of trendy haircutters because the first thing they want to do is cut ALL your hair off. In this case, she actually wanted to keep it longer than I did, which gave her immediate credibility. My hair is a now slightly longer version of The Rachel. I really like it a lot. My head feels lighter!

Today was Doctor Appreciation Day at the hospital. Free food, massages, etc.I had been on call all night with very little sleep and lots of crazy events that occurred that I'll just save for another day. Anyway, the hospital was offering free lab work to all the doctors so I got the whole shibang...lipid profile, thyroid test, blood count with differential, and a complete metabolic profile. In all it's probably worth around $300. I looked awful. Hadn't brushed my hair and it was all falling out of my ponytail I'd slept in.The lack of sleep definitely showed on my face. The lady was drawing my labs and I was telling her I was one of the residents. She said she'd seen my photo (they have photos of all the residents on every floor) and told me I was one of the prettiest doctors in the hospital! That just made my day! It was even cooler that she felt comfortable telling me that. Now, I'm not bringing this all up to brag. My friends who read this blog know I've been feeling pretty bad about myself lately...it was just nice to hear a compliment from a complete stranger.

"Is everything okay?", my boss asked me today. "Lately, everytime I look at you, you seem a million miles away". That's how my mid-year evaluation began today. How do I even begin to explain where I am? My best friend and lover for 3 1/2 years...the man I wanted to marry suddenly ended things for reasons that still perplex me. No matter where I go or what I do, this sadness never leaves me. Then I come to work, a chance to escape from my personal life and I get griped out along with the other residents on a weekly basis for behavior that I'm not even guilty of. I'm tired of it. Tired of everything.

This week was particularly difficult. It's been a month. Things should be getting better, but I still feel the same empty, lonely feeling. Monday morning didn't help things. I woke up with a horrible headache from grinding my teeth in my sleep...something I do when I'm under a lot of stress. The headache was still lingering when I got called to a code blue up on one of the floors. I got up there quicker than normal because I was right by a waiting elevator when my pager went off. I got up to the room and it was chaos. This 25 year old man was in bed, unresponsive. I could tell by looking at him he was already dead. Nurses were frantically trying to get an IV line in with no success. This guy had just been discharged from the hospital when he suddenly collapsed while getting dressed to go home. "Does he have a pulse?" I asked as I climbed to the head of the bed to get ready to intubate him. He didn't. CPR was started while I quickly intubated him. Something was wrong with the defibrillator and there still wasn't an IV in. One of the other residents jumped in and put an IV in the guy's neck so we could start giving epinephrine. Finally, the defibrillator started working. He was in v-fib. During the next hour, we gave him countless rounds of epinephrine, shocked his heart 10+ times, gave him a bolus of amiodarone then started a drip. A few minutes later the respiratory therapist had to suction his breathing tube because pulmonary edema fluid was coming up the tube. While she was suctioning, bloody fluid shot out of the tube like a geyser, hitting everyone who was standing around. We worked on him for an hour and never got him back. Finally I told everyone to stop. He was dead. Everybody was crying. He had some agonal respirations for about 5 more minutes while the nurses cleaned him up so the family could see him. It wasn't real breathing, just reflex breathing that sometimes happens when a healthy brain is dying. "Make sure he has stopped doing that before the family comes in or it will freak them out", I told everyone. He stopped about 2 mintues later, but the fluid kept coming up from his lungs for a long time. I wrote a death note in the chart and managed to make it to the elevator before I started crying. That was by far, the worst code I've had this year. The medical examiner accepted the case for autopsy, but then called back 20 minutes later saying they were going to rule the death as a pulmonary embolus.

The next day I was working on a discharge summary, depressed about my personal life, and still upset about the 25 year old man that couldn't be saved. Another resident, Adam came in and sat by me while he signed charts. "How much are you smoking now these days?" he asked me. "About half a pack a day", I replied. Adam looked at me and said, "you know you're better than that". Looking back, I think that is the nicest, most caring thing anybody has said to me all week.

What does it take to be a SuperFox?

So while I was out having fun at the mall yesterday, I managed to lose my bank visa card somewhere during or after my buying some new lipstick (because I yearn to be a SuperFox.) I went to the vet later to buy Sadie's kidney failure cat food, and my card was gone. Great. I knew I left it at the Clinique counter because I don't remember the lady giving it back to me. I called today. No card. My bank was closed today so I couldn't cancel it. Tomorrow it will be 48 hours missing and I will finally be able to call my bank. I really hope all my money isn't gone. I'd just gotten my tax refund! I still think the card is hanging out at the lipstick counter, but oh well. I really don't need to lose $4,000 right now. That would really put the icing on what has turned out to be an ugly February Cake.

Tonight I chained smoked 1/2 pack of Camel Lights. Not sure why. I like to sit on my porch when the weather is nice and think. Now I'm just left with hiccups and bad breath. My neighbor, Patti, came over and laughed at my new passtime.

Speaking of neighbors, I feel bad. Remember the ranting note I wrote anonymously to my neighbor about their annoying dog? Well Patty tonight told me that the people took the dog to the pound apparently right before they got my letter. The dog tried to bite the mailman which is a $3000 fine. I feel bad. I didn't want the dog to die. I just wanted him to stay in their backyard and shut up. Poor doggie. He doesn't understand why no one loves him and his owners didn't care enough to show him why other than to take him to the pound. Well, that is now one LESS barking dog in this neighborhood. There are about 4-5 others around me I wouldn't mind finding new homes for, but at least the loudest, most annoying one is gone.

On a positive note, I kicked ass on my case presentation today. I spent a lot of time on it this weekend and I think everyone liked the case, especially the program director....providing further proof to her that I am NOT one of the residents causing problems. I'm also going to point that out to her at my mid year evaluation on Wednesday. SuperFox Resident. That is me.

Pink

I have this friend I'll call Pink. We've known each other since kindergarten. She loved pink panther when she was a kid, so she got nicknamed "Pink". As the story goes, I was in the afternoon kindergarten and she was in the morning. She spotted me one day at school and told her mom all about this girl Katy and her neat red hair. Her mom just had to meet this little girl so she invited me to Pink's birthday party. And the rest is history. Pink and I stayed friends all through school until about high school when we both went through weird stages and weren't friends anymore, which is entirely my fault. Anyway, at our 10 year reunion, one of the main reasons I went was to see Pink. She wasn't there. Then last year, I ran into her mom and got Pink's email address. We've kept in touch even though she lives in D.C. with a way cool job.

So I've not been in a good place the last couple of weeks, and what did Pink do? She moved up her trip home so we could hang out! Nobody has ever done anything like that for me. I'm so glad she came home. She definitely made my weekend much better. Tomorrow we are going to the mall for pedicures and then she's making dinner for me, Pastor's Bride, and her parents.

I'm pretty tired. I had this pediatric life support course yesterday and today. It's a lot of lectures and stuff. Sitting there all day makes me tired, plus, I can't think of a more boring way to spend early morning Saturday than at a training course. I have to say though, that the speakers were really good and I did learn some important stuff. I can't believe I only have 4 months of my intern year left. Scary that I'm going to start putting people to sleep in July.

What I've learned this week

No matter how bad things are, there is always someone having a worse week than you are. Case in point: yesterday I was working in the ED (emergency department, NOT ER, as an ER is an emergency room. I don't work in a room, I work in a department). Anyway, a 5 month old girl came in via ambulance in asystole. She'd been that way for almost an hour. Mom put her down for a nap and she never woke up. I can't imagine having to live through that. I would want to die.

Some other friends of mine ( a couple we were social with at parties) came in with his dad, who has terminal cancer. I didn't even know the chart I grabbed was their father until they walked in the room. We had a little sympathy fest, as they'd heard I was having a bad week. I had no idea they were dealing with caring for a sick family member all this time. How could I not know that? What kind of friend am I?

So today I slept in. Just didn't go to work. I'm taking full advantage of having a flex schedule this month. My neighbor's stupid dog jumped their fence like he does every day and began his incessant barking. Today I became "that neighbor". I've already complained to the city about the loose, barking dog and apparently the warning notices my neighbors get have left no impression. Today I went further. I sent them a very rude, threatening letter telling them if they can't keep their dog in their backyard, I will call animal control until the dog is gone. I will, too. I'm not the only neighbor frustrated with this problem. Others have complained to the city as well. I love animals. I don't want him to go to the pound, but I am really tired of being woken up by him barking outside my window, following me when I go outside, and just the general nuisance.

What else did I learn this week? The ugliest lesson of all: If you've dated him for 3 years and you're not wearing an engagement ring and you don't have a wedding date set, then he's just not that into you.